Am I really enough?

Is wanting more connected to ‘externals’?

There’s something fascinating about human nature; it’s never truly satisfied. There’s always that little extra that would run the cup over, so to speak.

Even the caveman competed with his comrades for the best catch and the best hunt. 

Let’s flashback to your childhood for a moment. What was your biggest bone of contention? What did you wish for most ardently? It was always ‘something’ more. Something being the operative word here, in spite of the bucket of wishes being relatively small. And over time, you learned that to wish for that ‘something,’ to fill that void, became a well-loved pastime. A habit, a structure for being, the crutch that crept up every time you searched through your inner reservoir for excuses for not being genuinely happy. And so, that childhood conditioning sowed its roots and the paradigm of always looking to the external for being happy was cultivated, one petty jealousy at a time. Those needs, of course, became more grandiose as we grew into adults, the dreams more ostentatious, the wants more elaborate. But the commonality remained: they were always external. 

And as we grow, that ‘something’ grew with us. It developed all-encompassing tentacles to reach out and cover a lot more of our lives than the simplicity that childhood was mostly enveloped in. “I will be happy when...” became a bit of a psychological mantra, a litany with a monotonous chorus line, the stand where we hang our hats full of excuses on. Eventually, like it is with all energy, the pattern of thought became our lives: “I will be happy when…”

But does the story end here? No. The human mind craves the unrest that longing of any kind brings. Honestly, and let’s really be sincere here (I mean this is just my babbling thoughts on paper and you reading it in its private glory, so be truthful to yourself): When was the last time you were happy? Truly happy? If you can find that example, congratulations, you are in a much better place than most. And if by some stroke of luck, you find this example stems from something you did or felt about yourself without any other factors influencing your joy, you have literally found the key to the tightly bolted doors leading to lasting happiness.

Clichés Clichés Clichés - Tell me something I don’t know.

Everywhere you turn there is some article or motivational piece or quote from the wise throwing well-worn and often overused clichés at you. ‘Just be positive.’ ‘Look within and there lies that rainbow of happiness.’ Great on paper, isn’t it? How often have you picked up an article like that and put it down soon after because it didn’t resonate with you? It didn’t resonate because it spoke of results in great, eloquent, and fanciful dreamlike phrases without really telling you just how to get there. It didn’t resonate with you because your pain, your sense of sadness, was bigger than the understanding conveyed to you in a motivational ‘feel good’ article. At best, it was a temporary relief. And then, the pessimism, like rust forming on an iron rod, would begin its cyclical journey, embittering, negating, and cluttering the mind.

So, how does one get to this ‘internalized state of happiness? 

So, let me not digress here, and get back to the ‘how.’ What do we need to do to internalize the state of happiness, to look within for solace rather than at external factors. I have to say, in spite of being a fully qualified life coach and hypnotherapist and in a place where I am conscious of being that guide, that ‘helping hand’ so to speak, I am not to be absolved of the human tendency of looking for external gratification from time to time more than relying on my internal consistency on the happiness scale. However, through the years and over countless hours of helping others find their true potential, there are some important lessons I have learned to find that elusive happiness within. 

LifeHack#1 : I am my own Benchmark! Not anyone else, just me.

The most empowering realization of all for finding happiness, for me, was to understand that I have my own internal balance and my very own benchmark for happiness. This realization in itself cut off the need to want somebody else’s life. Reading an “Asterix” comic book or coloring in an adult coloring book (even when I am seething with anger) gives me those moments of intense inner peace. So, I started to track all those little things in a journal that I called ‘Happy Days are Here Again.’ I arranged these actions in tabular form with an effectiveness rating on a 10-point scale. Silly as this may sound, my mind began to accept, over time, that if my irritation with an external incident is at an 8, I needed to look at and perform those ‘happiness items’ that had an 8 assigned to them for a leveling effect. Back it up with a simple affirmations-based meditation, and voila! Magic. Happy again.

LifeHack#2: ‘Wakeful Meditations’

The second ‘magic wand’ for being happy, for me and for several of my clients, has been conscious, wakeful meditation. Wakeful meditation is a technique I have developed where I write very introspectively, then meditate, and write again to either play up or play down a particular quality for myself. This very structured activity, I’ve found, releases old patterns, old ghosts, and helps me to reprogram the inner editor of my subconscious mind. You can find some wakeful meditations on my meditations page of my soon to be published website should you be so inclined to take this concept out for a drive.

LifeHack#3: Invite happiness in, Arms open wide.

And finally, the acceptance and readiness to look within for happiness is crucial. Readiness can be time-based. A dear friend lost her 30-year-old son a few days ago. Suddenly. Just like that. How do you help a grieving mother to find happiness within? The idea is almost preposterous. Is there really anything that can heal a heart so broken? But survive she will; tapping into her unbelievable reservoir of strength, she will go on with life. Someday, she will even heal enough to laugh again.

My point being this: look around you. You have it all. We all do. We need to start relying on ourselves for that glow of serenity. Tap into your hidden reservoir through meditation to find that state of happiness that resides within you. Trust me, it’s worth the effort you will make.

What are you waiting for? Pick up your pen and paper and start recording your blessings. Happiness is attached to your internal world, the externals are merely crutches of illusion.